For my birthday, my gift to myself is to gift you the truth about me.
My truth, the facts, the way it really is – as I experience it.
I need to say up front that if these words cause you to feel that you need to proselytize to me in any way, or share your identity dogmas as if they are the laws that “should” govern my life then please block me and walk away. There are many people who have been in my life that have chosen that path, so it is rather familiar to me now. That’s alright, you live your life. I don’t want people in my life any longer who choose not to be.
I’m taking this time, right here, this moment, right now, to share with those that hold me with compassion, perhaps curiosity, rather than contempt.
For someone that loves to write, this is tough for me to spill out to you; this dubious gift I’m handing you.
You’ve noticed the name change, the pronoun pronouncement? Did you see that?
My name is Amma, my pronouns are they/them, and I am a trans non-binary being. Also, I am queer, and have been bisexual my entire life, whether this is due to the sexual abuse and incest I suffered from my biological mother and father – I can not say, however that form of sexual fluidity has always existed for me. (All 3 of my parents knew about my sexuality from a very early age, as the irrefutable evidence was literally before their eyes numerous times, however they never discussed it as they believed it to be a phase – lifelong, I guess) I practice ENM, but haven’t always. I have hidden myself behind: lies, infidelity, alcohol, sex, drugs, admirable acts, geographical movements, inumerables burnouts, my bed, and finally behind SO. MANY. MASKS. I am not hiding anymore. I’m done with that form of self censorship and abuse.
There came a moment when to remain encased in the histories and herstories of my ancestors; those who are and have come in and out of my life; the atrocities I’ve experienced personally: the rapes, domestic violence, war trauma, psychological traumas, medical mistreatments and misdiagnoses; and who I have been in all manner of ways: WAS ENOUGH. My choice was death or something completely different, which could not resemble what came before it. I sat in the parking lot of a psychiatric hospital for hours, with a bottle that contained a carefully researched cocktail of death inducing pills, and struggled with a decision. Do I go inside? Do I take the pills? Do I force myself to go back to the life that led directly to this point? Was there any other option? Because I was left absolutely hopeless and blank.
In that moment there were only 3 people who doula’d me back to life: a precious old sponsee sister in Austin, an old soul level brother in Buffalo, and a stranger to me: a holistic therapist on the suicide hotline. I am here because of these courageous humans.
One of the significant things that I came to realize is that I have been grossly over-medicated and misdiagnosed for a number of years for various conditions. And so my advocacy for my holistic health and wellbeing launched into a 4th dimension of existence that with a thunderous clap rapidly shifted me from the maw of death, into the trudge of life, and facing bare bones skeletal truth about many factors that I’ve shared with you here. All of which fractured the foundation of the life that I had built up to that point.
I have allowed myself to be used, taken for granted, lied to, wrung out and then asked for more. I allowed all of that. That’s on me. And now, stepping out and being clear about what is non-negotiable and necessary for my wellbeing and existence is on me as well. So my days have become pretty full of what I consider to be radical self-care actions, and compassionate service to others…and the slow construction, rather than reclamation, of a life that I feel is worth living.
Here I am.
You matter to me. I am grateful that you exist.
You’ve read those phrases from me over the years; how many times?
Because these terms mean the most to me. I am seeking to transfer my being’s actions into words that translate into truth in your heart.
This is the only moment I have, no future minutes are guaranteed. If you value me, then reach out to me and spend time with me. If you need me, then let me know. If you don’t, then that’s a choice and an action too.
I’m right here. Right now.
With warmth, truth, and solidarity,
Note: Ask me anything if you’re moved to. It’s a form of communication that I interpret as my being valued by you.
The photos I’m sharing are mementos from my life today.