We deny ourselves the right to exist based on what has happened in our past, what other people have told us about ourselves, and the mistakes we feel we have made. I have found to truly make the stride from victim and endless sufferer to survivor and thriver I need to envelope myself in the knowledge that right here, right now I HAVE WORTH. In this moment, wherever you find yourself, whatever is going on, YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO BE YOU.
Today I want to share with you ways that have worked for me to instill within myself the sense of having the right to be here.
Be here now
It is easy to try to dissociate from how I feel or what is happening by withdrawing through fear, thoughts, or old patterns of escapism. Like the Beatles sang: “Get back to where you once belonged.” By using mindfulness techniques I can reemerge back to the present & reestablish my awareness.
1. Mindfulness meditation. Grounding meditations with a focus on body awareness help to link the body and flight prone mind back together.
2. Look around. What do you see? Say it aloud. This aids in refocusing yourself to the present.
3. Barefoot Movement. Allow yourself to be barefoot. Sit with your feet on the floor. Something as simple as allowing your feet to have contact with the ground gets you realigned with this moment. Take a walk. I highly recommend ecstatic dancing for learning to move your body freely in an authentic, safe & grounded way.
Let your voice be heard
Telling my story has been an important way for me to validate my experiences. Too often we Shut-Up, Run-Away, Hide, or Fight others in an effort to protect our voices. YOUR VOICE IS A POWERFUL TOOL THAT NEEDS TO BE HEARD.
4. Share your Story! Talk with others whom you trust. Write about your experiences. Respond when others are sharing their stories and you relate.
5. Ask Questions! There is nothing shameful about you. You have the right to answers and explanations.
6. Reach Out For Help! It is only through our silence that we remain victims. If you are uncertain where to find help: Ask someone you trust, Google the question, or always feel free to ask me.
Focus on Self Care
Why can’t I motivate myself to take a shower? All I think about is food! Why can’t I stop eating? I can’t get to sleep or I sleep all the time! How does PTSD and addiction affect sleep? Have you asked yourself some of these questions? I want you to know that it doesn’t mean you’re disgusting or a bad person. It is exhausting to deal with an often debilitating condition everyday. Change can only happen today. I’m here to remind you of the different ways you can take care of yourself. That is my primary purpose.
7. Feeling Squeaky Clean. It’s the joy of the small things I neglected to do for myself in the past that motivate me to pamper myself now. I was in my late 20s before I could give myself permission to apply lotion after a shower. I was that accustomed to self-neglect. Try to love yourself by taking a shower or bath – Today. Give yourself a pedicure or manicure (regardless of your gender) – Today. Do that thing for your physical well-being that you’ve been putting off – Today. Your body has memory; you deserve to create nurturing ones.
8. Nourishing Yourself, Literally. You can choose to be as mindful about food & drink as we’ve discussed about being present. For your very next meal, I invite you to choose to eat & drink things that your future self will be happy you ate. No extreme diet changes. No decisions to stop or start eating or drinking something for the rest of the year. Just today. Just this next meal. Nurture your body and your digestion. Hydrate. I believe in you. I want you to know that if you’re struggling, I’m right here.
9. Getting Enough Sleep. What helps YOU get to sleep? I would like you to think about the times when you slept the best. Be as specific as possible. Write down all of the elements that aided you from each of those moments. Take the time you need; trust me I understand what it’s like to have a hard time remembering. From this list, choose the things that you could easily implement in your present situation. Make an appointment with yourself this week. Really, put it in your calendar – Arrange a few of the do-able items on the list to create a nurturing sleep environment for yourself. IT IS BY HAVING A FULL TANK OURSELVES THAT WE ARE ABLE TO GIVE TO OTHERS.
Be Safe
For some of us this can be a huge request. How can I be safe? The real question I’ve had to face is: How am I giving myself permission to exist if I am not caring for my own safety?
10. Care For Your Inner-Child. The short-cut I’ve used to assess my safety, when I first stepped out on the route to healing, is to think about a child. Would this person, situation, environment, or drug be safe for a child in my care? If it’s not safe then try, just once, to choose a safer alternative. Change only happens in this moment, now. I’m not asking you to change everything that feels unsafe immediately. I know how that story plays out: Overwhelm, Inaction, or Creating Additional Danger. Focus on right now. If you have questions about safety, let me know.
Honor Yourself
The first time I went through the Artist’s Way I remember how revolutionary the idea of intentionally making time for myself was. I was so conditioned to “stealing time.” I was afraid that if I did things for myself that I enjoyed I would be chastised as being selfish and self-centered. How often have we been made to feel this way? This cycle results in acts of enjoyment being primarily focused on rebelling against someone else; thinking about how the other person would think or feel about your doing something nice for yourself. So you see…it’s still all about them. Let’s make YOUR LIFE be about YOU.
11. Take yourself on a date. Create a list of things you enjoy doing; pick an item from the list; make an appointment with yourself; Go Have Fun. By going through this process you will reaffirm your self-worth. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE GOOD TO YOU!
12. Write a gratitude list about yourself. What are you grateful for about yourself? What do you do well? What do you like about yourself? Write it down. Decorate the paper. Hang it up. YOU DESERVE TO REMEMBER HOW AWESOME YOU ARE!
13. Celebrate. We need to acknowledge our successes and milestones. Denying ourselves recognition is an old pattern of self-destruction. Treat yourself when you’ve accomplished something whether it’s big or small. Even the smallest things deserve recognition. Finished washing the dishes? YES! It’s your birthday? Give yourself a present! Completed a project? It’s party time!
Try these suggestions for Giving Yourself Permissions to Be You and let me know how they’ve worked for you.
© Amanda Lee
Thank you so much for offering your brilliance to help sufferers… Everything you wrote about hit home. I would flinch and could imagine some gong sounding off every time I read one of the 13 suggestions you laid out above. Wow. I have been practicing self denial for as long as I can remember even so far as not asking for a drink when I was so thirsty one time that my head was hurting and I became faint. I would rather cause harm to myself, it appears, than to ask for something as simple as stopping somewhere so I could get a bottle of water. I would rather harm myself than disturb anyone else. Again, wow. Here I am at the mirror again, looking into the eyes of a stranger. My idea of being healthy has just been given a major uplift. I guess my question would be How do I find my voice? How do I find this courage that regardless of the other person’s reaction I can ask for water? Uggh I feel all these locked doors in my heart. I can smile, I can laugh, I can be witty, but my heart tells a different story inside. But this is my walk. And today I have learned some more. Thank you Amanda!
Thank you for your courageous share, John! I hear your questions about finding your voice when you need to care for yourself in the presence of others. I would like to suggest you try doing it today. Only today…once…then share with us how it went. What were the challenges? How did it feel afterwards?
Sorry for the delay in replying. My experience whether it’s the once or the many times in a day always has the challenge of EXTREME anxiety in me. I feel it in my stomach. I feel it pulling my neck and tightening around my chest. I notice I begin to hyperventilate and “breath high up” rather than full deep breaths. But here’s an example from today, 1/18/14, involving my 4 year old son. I am fighting a cold, so naturally, I need to blow my nose often. I was playing toys with him when I knew I had to blow my nose very soon or… well you know. And even there I felt the anxiety of “if I stop playing and tell him I need to blow my nose, he will probably throw a fit like I was doing something so bothersome to him.” But I just said simply, “Son, daddy needs to blow his nose…” then I got up and took care of my need and came back to playing. The result… I felt great about taking care of that mess, anxiety was gone, and my son did not throw a fit. He’s nice like that. There are other people in my life who, in there verbal AND non-verbal responses to my requests to handle a need, causes me to feel like such a bother and nuisance… like my needs don’t matter and that my needs are secondary. Like a bell’s lasting reverberations, this haunting in me from childhood and on can really throw me off balance.
I’m proud of you for trying! Result = far better than the lies our mental dialogue tries to manipulate us to believe. Keep going…one moment at a time!
JOHNNYEXX and AMANDA LEE what you both wrote is very moving! I have denied myself my whole life. I have a hard time just letting myself live. As you talk about pampering yourself it is difficult for me to even think about doing this… But I am continually finding ways I have repressed Jean, and am now letting her out. Maybe someday I will learn how she likes to self pamper too.
I appreciate your sharing Jean Marie. I would encourage to try something small you would consider as pampering yourself today. In the article, when I refer to pampering I am speaking to physical self-care. Please share the process with the community afterwards, we want to support you in your experiences 🙂
Hi Jean Marie, thank you for sharing!! I really connect with what you are saying. Throughout my life I have had such difficulty “just letting myself live.” Well said. For me, following Amanda’s posts and doing her guided meditations have been so helpful to unlock some of the “shtuff” that haunts me. Before embarking on that journey, it was quite necessary for me to make sure I was “grounded” and present with myself. Share here with your experiences. I look forward to reading more from you. 🙂
What a great post! Thank you
Please recommend the book ‘Unmasking Male Depression’ by Dr. A Hart – to JOHNNYEXX. Thx.
JOHNNYEXX You described so exactly the physical symptoms I have while reading this post. The first time I read the post all I could do was read the first sentence on each point, and as I did that my head clouded up with anxiety and my breathing short and stiff. That is when I wrote “What a great post!” But then I found myself thinking about this post still. I came back here to read it again and found I clamped up with anxiety again, but I managed to read a bit more and your comments.
Then AMANDA LEE you challenged me to take action in self care. When I came back here to once again report the results of the challenge I decided I would try to read the whole post. As I read I am so impressed at how exactly on the mark you are with describing many idiosyncrasys I have. BTW I did not like the challenge, one bit, I don’t like pampering myself, self neglect is easier then fighting against my tensions over some things that could be pampering.
One day I loaded up my kids and dog and drove to my nephews house to walk his dogs, at his request. While driving over the few streets to his house I drove past my friend who was out walking for exercise. And in a moment I decided to let go of my to-do lists and take time to enjoy a walk and my friend. I called her cell phone and good fortune would have it that she turned down my nephews street and was almost to his house. We harnessed the dogs, and instead of just letting them out to pee, I took an extended walk with a good friend. Her kids and my kids played at the park with all the dogs and she and I walked and talked in circles around the park. When I got done I was pleasantly surprised that I found a way to take car of myself in a way I enjoyed, and had a success to report to you.
When I think of how I close myself off and try to be super woman I find that Sara Bareilles’s song Hercules describes it well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLkcohb4cLw
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Thank you for posting this. It was recently told to me to allow myself to exist and it seems like a cliche or slogan-ish- thing to say that part of me dismissed it … but part of me stayed wondering what it really means and what it says about me to others. I have been working on overcoming childhood sexual abuse for the past 6 years. After my children were born and I found a lot of support in my husband, I chose to confront instead of avoiding or staying quiet, ignoring. I find myself more and more interested in sharing my story and finding my voice. I struggle with suppressing my feelings, impulses and instincts… more than ever though i think am aware of this need to assert myself in the world and to finally let myself exist no matter what others think… trepidetiously at the moment, but i can envision a future me that is bold and kind and okay with herself. Thank you for this conversation.
I am writing because of an inner pain that has not allowed me to really LIVE and feel the sense of completeness. I was a victim as a child and throughout my teens I struggled but managed to find Jesus Christ at a time when I wanted to die. It was the best thing that could have ever happen to me. As I continue with this process of serving the Lord I have still experience pain because of the lack of unfulfilled dream of marriage, children and ministry. However, every year that goes by I hit these lows and at times I want so badly to be with God, Jesus and those who have gone before me. I have served, given, seeded into ministries, yet I have not seen the fulfillment of my purpose. I fight bitterness by doing something for others less fortunate or express a kind word or encouragement but the sad part of this is that no one sees my pain. Most times the church is so shallow because they can’t see the pain for the beauty and mistakenly think that you don’t have any needs. I DON’T wear MASK. Can we really be free to say what is really going on in my life? Do I always have to say “Well, praise the Lord” when you really don’t feel like praising because your life is not rolling out the way we had hoped.
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I just stumbled upon this and I had to tell you how awesome it was to read. I have been dealing with a lot of insecurities and self doubts for a while and have recently made some discoveries that have been helping me a lot, most of them having to do with allowing myself to love myself and believing I am worthy of existing. I’ve been confusing wanting to take care of myself to being selfish and have finally decided that I am allowed to enjoy things and do what I want to do without feeling guilty. Reading this helped all of my feelings sink in. It really helped me believe that I have been on the right track and helped me become hopeful for the future as I am enjoying my present. I could go on for hours.. but I really just felt like I needed to tell you how helpful this was. Take care!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am blessed to know that this article supported your pathway!
You deserve to love and nurture yourself. I am so happy you exist.
Warmth,
Amanda
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