Ask Amanda: Heartbreak

A reader writes in sharing her experiences related to feeling rejected and discarded by someone she dated. She goes on to share about how inexplicable it is to get over heartbreak and forgive someone.

Dear Amanda,

I don’t know why this seems to still be an issue for me, from the outside it didn’t seem like much to others, and I thought I had moved on and dealt with it and it was just a bad encounter I had with a guy. I know, typical, heartache…

I dated a guy about 8 months ago from NYC. I live in Toronto. He was traveling to Toronto every week or so for work, so we saw each other a lot. More than regular dating I would say. Everything seemed too perfect, he was too nice to me, and even though I kinda felt like something was off – he wasn’t really asking me a lot of questions or trying to get to know me; he just liked to do fun things and be in my company, but he was very interested to know how long till I move to NYC, since that was my plan).

Anyways, the most important part was, he seemed like the “perfect” guy that I always fantasized about, cute, successful, we had everything in common, great sex, everything basically, perfect! And I couldn’t believe I got it, I never thought I would be good enough, I was on my best behaviour, acting cool, not needy, being fun, I thought I had played my cards right, and in the meantime I did my ALL to move to NYC faster (to secretly be with him, but he didn’t know that because I didn’t want to seem too needy).

Once I learned that my work visa was refused to move to the States because, I didn’t have sufficient documents, as I had rushed to get there without being prepared. He talked to me for few days, saying nice things and hopeful things that he will see me soon and I will get there soon and etc. And then a few days after that – I never heard from him again, he disappeared. I wasn’t able to bring myself to contact him and say “Where are you?”

I was trying to play it cool, so he wouldn’t think I was needy, maybe he would just come back now that he had his space. I went through different fazes. First I was hopeful, yet at the same time devastated that I had lost the dream of moving to NYC, which had been my dream for a while. Then I got angry, and then I got over it, after realizing what the reality was. He was just looking to have fun; he was never planning to date me properly. He had told me causally that he had just gotten out of a relationship, and that he wanted to take it slow. I was too blinded by his good things to see the reality.

I realized after a while when I saw pictures of him with a girl on Instagram, couple type pics, that I had not moved on as I thought I had. I crashed. He had used me and chewed me out, and not even had the decency to say good-bye. I have been in different fazes for the past 8 months. For the most part I’ve been pretty good. I started dating here and there and putting myself out there. I am still trying to move to NYC, since that was my dream all along. But every time I see a guy that remotely looks like him, or talk about NYC, it reminds me of him and I literally break down.

I have realized that what he did to me has had a much bigger effect on me than I thought. A guy that I thought was perfect and who I thought I wasn’t good enough for ends up proving to me that actually I WASN’T good enough for him, not even good enough to say good-bye to! He then gets a girlfriend a few months later. The typical “girl next-door” that I always thought I could never compete with. I look very exotic, and I find guys only go for the “girl next-door” as a girl friend and not a European looking girl like me.

I realize this has totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this sounds pathetic! It’s funny, because if you saw me you wont even think this is me writing this. I have a totally different personality outside of this situation; I am confident, funny, charming, and a smart woman. I advise others in their relationships.

I already KNOW everything about this issue! I am a very spiritual person. I have evolved way too much to think about this issue as much as I do. But every time I meditate or pray, I realize I still haven’t forgiven this guy! I still feel a huge hurt in my heart that this happened to me. Sometimes I have this pathetic feeling that this is all so unfair; he is having the time of his life, and I am left still thinking about him. 

I know the only way for me to break free from this incident that has affected me in such a huge way is to forgive him. Maybe I need to also forgive myself for making a big mistake with the whole NYC rushing thing and dating him? I have tried to forgive, but since I still haven’t achieved the things I wanted – having the perfect guy and the NYC career – I feel as if this incident is a reminder of what a loser I am.

Talking about this causes me to breakdown and feel like I can’t get over it until I fix some part of it at least. I always get over things quickly, when I figure out the reason it happened. It seems strange that this situation has stayed with me. Maybe deep down I feel like this is not fixable. How can I forgive this man? How could anyone treat someone like that? Why did he make me feel like a loser? Why does his opinion matter so much to me? I feel like I already know all the answers to these questions in my head, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I mean, most of the time I do feel better, but then when I see a guy in a suit that lives in NYC and reminds me of him, my heart gets heavy and I start crying…

Thanks for reading,

Heartbroken

 

Dear Heartbroken,

I appreciate your willingness to reach out to me with your story & the bravery it takes to open up about heartache.

What often happens when we get really tethered to another person is that our focus becomes about that person, instead of ourselves & our lives. This doesn’t make us losers or bad people, it’s simply evidence of the type of conditioning we received when we were younger. Things we were taught to believe about how we are to feel & be when in relationships.

I hear how this experience was so deeply crushing to your sense of self-worth, despite your clearly being a brilliant & gorgeous woman.

This doesn’t have to be about him, or the choices he made or continues to make. That’s what we do to destroy ourselves, isn’t it? We make things be all about the other person, & in this way our pain never ends. Sometimes I call this: Abusing Ourselves By Proxy. What I mean when I say this is that the other person doesn’t have to mistreat us directly for us to feel abused, because we’re so conditioned to mistreat ourselves.

You’re worth so much more than feeling horrible & triggered all the time! How can you refocus from thoughts about forgiving him, to thoughts about lifting yourself up? Because on top of the world shining in the loving rays of the sun is where you truly belong, not simpering after someone who never deserved your time, head space, or body in the first place.

I will soon write a piece about dating guidelines & steps for building a healthy relationship. But right now I want to share with you something else. I have come to learn that it is important not to jump straight away into trying to solve questions of forgiveness of the other person or focusing on dating when we’re in heart wrenching turmoil. This is why I often pose the question: Is Forgiveness Necessary? You see, I don’t believe that forgiveness is something we need to focus on. Forgiveness is something that happens to me when I am busy learning to love myself & living a life filled with integrity & service to others. When we choose to use people as “rebound sex” or “rebound relationships” when we’re still heartbroken it’s like we’re using other people as a drug to anaesthetizing ourselves against the pain. You don’t have to live like that, like an addict. You deserve to build a sense of self-respect!

How can you begin refocusing your attention on the life you want to live? We have a tendency to try to change everything all at once, & then not really change anything at all, because we’re so exhausted & overwhelmed by the sheer monstrosity of “shoulds” before us. The: I “should” do this & that to be the “perfect” person. How about we let the “shoulds” go on holiday?

Refocus on right now. I mean it…right this moment, as you read this. What is the very next thing you could do, right now, to honor & love yourself?

Do that thing. If you need suggestions, I’ve got plenty HERE.

Let me know how it goes. Know that I am here to support you along your journey to healing & finding the true beauty & strength within you!

Warmth and light,

Amanda.

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