How do you know if your relationship is based on addictive dynamics or interdependence? Are you willing to put the oxygen mask on yourself first in order to find out? Are you brave enough to face the pain of relational withdrawal, from the person you love, to discover the viability of your relationship?
Why would anyone want to do this?
If you’ve invested the time and gone through the hard work to process and heal from abuse dynamics or unhealthy behaviors in past relationships, wouldn’t you want to be sure that the choice you’re making to commit long-term with another person is healthy and right for you? If you’re looking to take that next step in commitment and you or your partner have had a history of co-dependency, sexual addiction or abuse, or emotionally abusive behavior in past relationships or had issues come up in your current one, the 90 Day Test can help. This 90 Day challenge can assist you in getting clarity on whether the basis of your relationship is built upon a healthy foundation or not.
In 12-step recovery programs it is suggested that people go to “90 in 90.” This means showing up every day for 90 days and making a solid commitment to following the 5 pillars of recovery. Placing the focus on where it needs to be most: putting your recovery first. Making a decision to detach from your partner for 90 days allows you to put yourself first, and ensure that you are living a life together based on interdependence rather than addiction. You will receive the love you want, when you give it to yourself first.
Who supports you?
Taking a 90 day pause from having any form of contact with your partner will help you realize how strong your personal support network is. It can be easy for people to fall into the habit of becoming singularly focused and co-dependent upon the emotional support and constant validation from their romantic partners. This is unhealthy and inevitably leads to resentments. It is important that your partner is not the center of your universe around which you orbit. Furthermore, your partner is not your God. You have a personal relationship with the divine that is sacred for you. This means that there is a Higher Power that will always care for and nurture you regardless of the love you receive from a partner. When I am living a God-centered life then my life doesn’t end when I suffer the loss of a relationship or am not getting the attention I want from a partner. Enjoy your friends, family, and spiritual life. Validate for yourself that you are living a life filled with support, love and attention from a diverse network of people.
Sexual intimacy or mutual masturbation?
Are you using your partner to satisfy your sexual desires in order to prevent yourself from acting out in sexually addictive behaviors? Pausing for 90 days will certainly let you know! Time will reveal if you or the person you are with are going to break your sexual ethics. “A stray is going to stray.” Would you rather know that the person you love is a “stray-cat,” or that you are, before entering into a life-long commitment with them? Let’s find these things out now, instead of dragging yourself, family, children and friends through painful separations later. You deserve to have safe, ethical, fun and intimate sexual relations with yourself and your partner. Take this time to explore what that means to you personally. Learn to love yourself lasciviously and enjoy it. When you feel confident and secure in your own sensual self love, you bring that dynamic into the sensual foundation of your relationships.
Looking for a Sugar Mama or Sugar Daddy?
How are you subsisting financially? How many people do you know who seek out a partner in order to feel financially secure? Exactly: Plenty! You don’t have to cling to a partner in order to have your basic needs met. Many abuse dynamics are born from fears of not being able to care for ourselves financially and emotionally. You know that you are worth so much more than that! You may choose to have a financially dependent dynamic within your relationship, after you make a long-term commitment. Let that decision be a conscious choice made from a basis where you know that you can support yourself without your partner’s financial contributions.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Find out what it means to You
If you decide to take on the 90 Day Test of Relational Longevity the first step is to compassionately inform your partner. Incidentally, this is also the first indication of how much your partner respects you. Your partner’s reaction to your taking on this challenge will provide some initial information pertaining to the above mentioned points. Let that be helpful to your journey. You are on a pathway of personal and relational discovery. You are fiercely brave to take on this challenge! I applaud you for your courage and tenacity! At the end of this road there is hope for a true partnership based on loyalty, trust and mutual respect. Who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that? A relationship with you!
Do you need support in your 90 Day challenge? I’m here to support you along your journey of discovery.
© Amanda Lee